Monday, September 29, 2008
La Agrado magnifico
(Translation by Blogoloquaciousness)
For reasons beyond their control, two of the actresses who daily work their magic upon this stage cannot be here today. Poor darlings. For this reason, this function is suspended. Those who wish, will have their admission refunded, but to those who have nothing better to do, and because it would be a tragedy to come to the theater and leave thusly, if you stay, I promise to entertain you with the story of my life.
[Some people get up to leave] Good bye, I'm sorry.
If I bore you, please make snoring noises, like this [makes loud snoring noises, audience snickers]. I will stop immediately, and please don't worry about my feelings, truly.
They call me Agrado (Pleasure), because all my life, I've only pretended to want to please others. Besides being pleasant, I'm also very authentic. Look at this body! [audience laughs] Made to measure! Eye lift; eighty thousand. Nose; two hundred, but it went down the drain because one year later another whack turned it into this. Now, I know it gives me some character, but if I'd known better, I wouldn't have touched it.
[small group in the audience laughs]
I'll go on. Tits; two, because I'm not a monster. Seventy each, but these are totally amortized.
Silicone, [audience member interrupts, "WHERE?" and she continues as if she had not been interrupted] lips, forehead, cheeks, hips, and ass; about a hundred thousand. You do the math because I've lost count.
Jaw realignment; seventy-five thousand. Permanent laser hair removal, because women also evolved from monkeys as much as, or perhaps more, than men; seventy thousand per session, depending on how hairy you are, but it's normally two to four sessions. However, if you're folkloric, you need more, of course.
[Loud laughter and applause]
So like I was saying, being authentic isn't cheap ladies. And you can't be cheap when it comes to these things because the more you are like what you've dreamed you'd be, the MORE authentic you are!